The Bad Hulk, Our Lady of the Lake and Mr. Sensitive

Practice. We all need it. Gotta have it. Only can get better with it.

It’s like with poker. You need to practice to get better. Have to see hands, get a feel for the way things can go. Now it doesn’t mean much because the cards will fall as they may, but you can at least minimize the odds of failure and get better at reading others the more you play.

The Carlson has obviously been taking his own advice.

As he seems to be saying in every fucking CCMPodcast,  he thinks, over time, he’s getting better at cards. Maybe. Maybe it is that he’s improving. Or maybe it’s that we’re more drunk some years than others. Who knows?

But practice is supposed to make you better. And I’m guessing The Carlson is practicing his radio voice a lot more lately.

Listen to the first 10 seconds of the CCMPodcast and you’ll understand why I say that.

WHOA NELLY.

He’s jumping out of the microphone at you like you’re a Dallas Cowboy’s cheerleader on stage next to the Flying J. (If you don’t know what I mean by that, come to the Symposium this year and you might find out)

Anyway, The Carlson is getting into it. He’s practicing and trying to get better. It’s perfect… except…

He’s getting a little cranky. Mr. Sensitive is getting his buttons pushed obviously. He definitely seems to be prickly about how much he’s repeating stuff and some people must be calling him on it. But I’ll leave it alone.

So he talks about the fact there’s a Top Gun sequel in the works, the “bad” Hulk — it’s amazing how much you find the Nerd Herd prodding its ugly head into the inner workings of CCMP lately.

He also brings up Bartman, but why I ask? It’s done. Why does everyone have to bring up Bartman? Ass.

In membership news, The Carlson notes Joe was sprung, Mick came down and Our Lady of the Lake was born. Glen’s swim was like the Lochness Monster because it was unbelievable if only for the grainy picture that was taken but can’t totally be believed to be truth.

It was back to Alpha and the air conditioning, no Daisy Dooks. Normal stuff.

Oh, and did I mention The Carlson is getting all sensitive? He’s acting all Porky Pig and repeating himself, or so he says. Hmm, maybe we’re getting to him.

Anyway, as he noted, we had 25 people, a long way from where this started, nine years before. It’s the first year of the Texas Hold ‘Em tournament, which The Carlson said was won by Rush, who Mr. Sensitive thinks is better than he let’s on. Really?

And did I mention The Carlson is getting sensitive?

The Bar. Return of Whores on the Porch. The Carlson doesn’t remember more and obviously didn’t keep his journal. Maybe he wouldn’t be so sensitive about critiques if he did. Hmmm? You think about that before, big boy?

Anyway, there are a few more nuggets here worth listening to, so go at CCMPodcast 9 right here.

The Big Bang Theory

Seriously, how does he remember this shit? You remember who I got pissed about not being able to draft in the FFL Draft? WTF?

Then again, I guess that’s what he gets when he stays sober.

I win.

Okay, on to Camelot. No seriously, this Symposium was held in Camelot… Campground.

BREAKING NEWS: I’m 5 minutes into the CCMPodcast, and I already don’t remember anything of what The Carlson is talking about. Okay, back to reading.

Where were we? We had a new place, another trip to Dooks (seems it was my bachelor party, or so they say) and something about playing golf on a PGA Tour course, which I don’t remember because I didn’t go.

And here’s a good question: Why have we never had fireworks at the Symposium? It’s close to July 4, as The Carlson points out, and yet, we’ve never had a fireworks display. This may need to be remedied soon. (FYI, just drive to Quincy. You have to go through Missouri and you’ll find plenty of fireworks if you want to buy some to bring).

The Carlson also does a fine job of describing the CCMP’s Big Bang Theory, and by ‘fine’ I mean, I agree with his assessment that it doesn’t do it justice. Give it a listen anyway.

Gawd-damn Sam

I am 48 seconds into this episode of the CCMPodcast and I am at a crossroads.

All my adult life, I’ve had a big mouth and I just normally say whatever I think. I don’t really filter it, and I don’t always think before it comes out. A lot of the time, it comes out and then I realize what I said. I don’t regret it; I don’t regret anything. I may do things differently if I had the chance to do that again, but I figure, it’s my one-and-only life, so I might as well live it and not worry about regrets. I have enough other shit I worry about.

Anyway, I’m sitting here in my chair, the TV is on and has been for background noise for the past hour while I worked. It’s 11:58 p.m. and I just wrapped up our softball coverage a few minutes ago. The bowling championship ended a couple hours ago and I’ve got our interns set to finish that. So I thought I better get the next podcast up before The Carlson puts a hit out on me.

I fire up the volume and let it rip.

I’m aghast.

I’m horrified.

I’m curious.

I’m stupified.

I’m blessed.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, but within the first minute of this podcast, you’ll feel the same way. And that’s why I’m at a crossroads because I could say what has already come to mind, but it may be better for you to just listen for yourself.

If you don’t have a shit-ass grin glued to your face with a look of incredulity, then you’re not a man and you don’t belong in our pretend world.

What the fuck just happened? That’s all I can think after 48 seconds. How did the world come down to this point and, more importantly, why have I let myself fall apart this deep into the abyss?

Gawd-damn Sam. We ain’t in Kansas no mo’.

You’ll just have to find out the rest. I still haven’t pushed play. I will. I will slather through it but first I’m going to take my diet dew and put it in the fridge and trade it for a beer. Mainly because I don’t have Valium easily handy.

Best of luck to you friend. I’ll see you on the other side.

Oh, and yeah, listen to Year 6-ish CCMPodcast right here.

Grammar lessons

There are so many things that I learn every day. I’m not the brightest guy, nor am I Adam. So it’s nothing unique for me to pick up a few things new to my vocabulary or knowledge base almost every day.

These CCMPodcasts are information overload. Holy. Shit.

Did you know that reality equals royalty? Or that ‘evolutionize’ is a word?

I did not. But I know it now after listening to another round of Carlson. Yes, he’s now just a one-named man, completely forgoing any first name. So I’m assuming he’ll show up this year in a purple jumpsuit with sparkly pendants and such emblazoned in a big C on his chest.

God. Help. Us.

A couple other observations from the fourth installment of The Carlson:

• This series is not for kids. No really, while you might think The Carlson would be tame enough that maybe a teenage son or nephew could listen, it’s not for anyone young or squeamish.
• It seems that you can play the Land of the Lost theme and instantly anyone in our age group will know that means you’re transporting through a time warp back to a previous existence.
• I totally have to piss every time he plays that click effect intro to From the men’s room
• The Carlson obviously doesn’t have a kid. Yeah, I know I’m not one to talk on this, but, in four short episodes, he took us from “infancy” to “teenage years.” There was no terrible 2s or fearsome 4s. It was right outta the big V and straight into Driver’s Ed. Eh, then again, I guess that’s about right.

This podcast will also give you insight into Cliffy’s aversion for kids books and confirm that The Carlson will not give up his quest for everyone to drink butt rum.

Farmboy is introduced as well, and there’s other tidbits you’ll enjoy like hetero-life mates, Big Sexy’s adventure with the Golden Tee and The Adventures of Buttwoman and Wonder Wench.

I personally enjoyed hearing about this softball game of Tony’s that we apparently went to before the Symposium started this year. I find it comical that The Carlson would actually think we could talk about what was said and why we fought seeing as I was thinking to myself, “I wonder why I came down late because I didn’t go to this softball game he’s talking about” until minutes later when I heard that I was actually there and it’s the reason he brought it up.

Hmm, who knew?

Lastly, I’ll leave you with another reason the world will be coming to an end soon: The Carlson’s vocabulary has expanded so far that, seemingly off the cuff, The Carlson used the word ‘liaison’ in the proper context and with the correct pronunciation.

Amazingly, even with all this detail on what The Carlson has to say, I haven’t given away everything. So you’ll just have to listen for yourself to CCMPodcast Year 4 — 1998.

Year 2, or better known to all of us as ‘Aaron should be ashamed’

Yukon Pete, the Neckshot and the introduction of Bitch.

These topics are sacred ground for the Symposium and the full content of these events will never be revealed. But, like all state secrets, they’ll eventually end up on Wikileaks, so why not just get some of it out on our terms?

Well, I’m sure that’s Carlson’s reasoning, being the impressive PR genius that he is.

The bigger thing is this: Has he been keeping a journal this whole time? Where’s he coming up with all these things to talk about?

Like the King of the Schmack? I’d forgotten about that 12 years ago, but he pops it out like he just watched the video of the weekend last night. [Editor’s Note: If there is actual video of this event, I will offer you $1,000,000,000, 067 for it. If you won’t sell, I will hunt you down. It will be mine–and then burned.]

Anyway, he’s obviously been taking notes without telling anyone. Well, all except the ‘The Bluff’ which, obviously, there’s no way Carlson could ever forget it. Well played, sir, well played.

So, anyway, here you go. Year 2 of the Symposium, complete with new segments and sound effects. No seriously, Carlson is so technologically advanced he put in sound effects.

I’ll be honest here, I’m impressed. And scared. Very scared.

Listen here

the Carlson Project

I’m going to be honest here: I’m probably not the best person to call someone out about a drinking problem. Let’s rephrase that: I’m not the best best person to call someone out about a drinking problem.

But still, I think Carlson may have some self-control issues that need to be addressed.

He obviously drinks heavily, and I’m assuming it’s not just Crystal Lite and a splash of tonic. I’m thinking he’s drinking crude oil mixed with raw barley with buckshot and grenade fragments just sprinkled on top. All set aflame and followed with an 8 ounce shot of funny car fuel.

Let’s see, why would I expect this?

In the past five years, he’s gotten a girlfriend, lost a bunch of weight, learned math, started winning at cards and trained himself without outside assistance to fluently speak and write Russian. He reads some Sanscrit too.

Okay, I made one of those up.

But what I can’t make up — and the likely outtake that his heavy drinking has stemmed — is that he’s embracing technology. And that’s scary.

How frightening is it? Well, you’ll have to listen for yourself. Because out of the blue, just randomly on Friday night, I get an email from him saying that he made his own podcast and asked if it can be put on the CCMP site.

Well, first off, yes. Anything you guys want to send can be put here. Hell, if anyone had time and wanted to try to post here more regularly than me (meaning, any kind of regularly), I’d be glad to teach you how to use the site and post stuff.

So, now here it is. I really don’t know what it says because I’m not going to listen to it until after it’s posted. Seems more appropriate that way.

And without further adieu, here you go. The first — and hopefully not last? — Carlson Project: CCMPodcast. (Sorry Carlson, I couldn’t just put the audio file on here for some reason, so I had to improvise with a picture and make it into a video file. I think you’ll approve).

Hey there, Fuckers

Yes, life is complicated.

You have work. And then you go home. There’s kids, and bills, and housework, and yardwork, and going places, and, and, and, and.

You get it. Shit is piling on. Life is rolling along and one day you’re 25, sitting in a bar in Dinkytown, Iowa, drinking a beer with a buddy for like eight straight hours (Okay, only one of us was drinking that whole time, but seriously, Aaron had a real job by then), and the next moment, the credit cards are maxed and you’re more concerned about “getting snipped” than getting laid. Okay, well, the cards are totaled anyway.

Well, we’re  here to give you a reprieve.

Make your plans now and join us June 23-26, 2011, for a therapeutic weekend of manly bliss known as the Symposium on Male Bonding, or in short, CCMP. It’s the four days a year we all have lived for for more than 15 years. You haven’t forgotten how much it means to your well-being, have you?

And if you don’t care to join us, well, that’s fine. Then fuck you. We better see you again next year. Pussy.

In the meantime, check back here often. We’ll try to keep some stuff fresh here. The Facebook page Aaron started is rolling pretty well, but this will be a spot where I will probably toss out some random shit, post about some great new toy I saw in Playboy this month or just bitch about Dwin. Whatever.

And if you want to have your voice heard, just let me know (jtrickie (at) hotmail.com). We can get you a login that you can jump on here and join in the fun. But if not, I like to hear myself talk enough to carry us for a while.