The first … and cooler … Social Network

Year 7. This is the longest memoir yet from The Carlson, and I’ll say it was kind of interesting to me.

Why, you ask? No, not because of The Carlson. It’s because I have no knowledge of this Symposium, not because I was drunk for all of it like some other years, but because I actually wasn’t there. I was a fucking wuss, breaking rule No. 1. I didn’t come because of work and so I’m hearing much of this stuff for the first time (or second in the case of why Rodney got pissed off) like most of you.

Since I didn’t partake or know of most of this, I’ll just let you listen to it. But I do want to bring up one point first.

I believe that we’re the basis for the movie “Social Network.” And I think we ought to sue Mark Zuckerburg and Facebook and everyone involved with that company.

Why? Because they stole the premise for the movie from us.

This was two years before they even started trying to Facematch or whatever the game was. It was three years before the Facebook actually got online.

Yet, we have the same thing going on. We have a genius idea being put into motion. We have two guys forming an informal corporation that has unending possibilities and income potential.

We have one being a maniac who thinks he’s so much smarter than the rest of the world and thinks everyone is out to get him.

We have one handsome guy who’s willing to find the funds to push the effort forward, playing a key role in it’s development and growth, making many important meetings and phone calls and pushing paper and boss-like stuff.

And then the one “founding father” gets pissed off and kicks out the other “founding father” and takes him off the masthead because he listened to some self-important, overinflated jagoff played by Justin Timberlake. But in the end, the smarter, handsomer, more athletic, cooler, funnier “founding father” gets his place in infamy back, rightly placing his name back at the top of the members list.

You tell me: Does that sound like they ripped us off or not? I think so, and we should sue.

Now, here you go. Listen to The Carlson talk about “a very nice establishment” and XXXXXXXL t-shirts and really disgusting porn moments (I am still thankful that I wasn’t there this year for this one specific moment). Ready, set, laugh at The Carslon.

Gawd-damn Sam

I am 48 seconds into this episode of the CCMPodcast and I am at a crossroads.

All my adult life, I’ve had a big mouth and I just normally say whatever I think. I don’t really filter it, and I don’t always think before it comes out. A lot of the time, it comes out and then I realize what I said. I don’t regret it; I don’t regret anything. I may do things differently if I had the chance to do that again, but I figure, it’s my one-and-only life, so I might as well live it and not worry about regrets. I have enough other shit I worry about.

Anyway, I’m sitting here in my chair, the TV is on and has been for background noise for the past hour while I worked. It’s 11:58 p.m. and I just wrapped up our softball coverage a few minutes ago. The bowling championship ended a couple hours ago and I’ve got our interns set to finish that. So I thought I better get the next podcast up before The Carlson puts a hit out on me.

I fire up the volume and let it rip.

I’m aghast.

I’m horrified.

I’m curious.

I’m stupified.

I’m blessed.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, but within the first minute of this podcast, you’ll feel the same way. And that’s why I’m at a crossroads because I could say what has already come to mind, but it may be better for you to just listen for yourself.

If you don’t have a shit-ass grin glued to your face with a look of incredulity, then you’re not a man and you don’t belong in our pretend world.

What the fuck just happened? That’s all I can think after 48 seconds. How did the world come down to this point and, more importantly, why have I let myself fall apart this deep into the abyss?

Gawd-damn Sam. We ain’t in Kansas no mo’.

You’ll just have to find out the rest. I still haven’t pushed play. I will. I will slather through it but first I’m going to take my diet dew and put it in the fridge and trade it for a beer. Mainly because I don’t have Valium easily handy.

Best of luck to you friend. I’ll see you on the other side.

Oh, and yeah, listen to Year 6-ish CCMPodcast right here.

Carlson wants to be a woman

I give up. There is no question Carlson is superior to me technologically. As I started listening to this CCMPodcast, and getting ready to write this blog, my Internet went out.

Now, this isn’t odd really. We lose power and Internet at our place on a semi-regular basis. That’s what you get when you live in the hood, but still, it’s annoying.

So, the Internet goes out and I get bored and I fall asleep. And instead of this being published in the morning, it’s now 2:09 p.m. ET, and we all know everything runs in Eastern Time, right Aaron?

Well, now that I’m back up and running, I’ve listened to Carlson’s memoirs. Here are the tidbits I gleaned from him this week:

• Carlson may be a pimp, or at least wants to move to Germany and work in a brothel
• Carlson drinks because he wants to be a woman
• There were some good shows that debuted in 1999, like the Sopranos
• Yes Carlson, I was working at ECU when we came back and beat Miami (Fla.) after Hurricane Floyd, and I’m still scared of standing water from that event to this day
• Carlson is getting snippy with me about his memories. This could be fun, just give me time
• Carlson thinks Rush likes it rough
• The Introduction of The CHUCK
• The return of Dwin
• We find out there are Whores on the Porch
• And then we get to Bitch, who will never hear this because he doesn’t have Facebook or probably Internet (must be a better life than it always going out).

OK, that’s the first 11 minutes of the CCMPodcast. You’ll have to listen to the next 18 minutes on your own. You know the drill, click here to pass go.

Oh, and it’s Symposium, Carlson, not Symplosium. And wait: We’re not playing with $10,000 worth of real chips? What the fuck?

Grammar lessons

There are so many things that I learn every day. I’m not the brightest guy, nor am I Adam. So it’s nothing unique for me to pick up a few things new to my vocabulary or knowledge base almost every day.

These CCMPodcasts are information overload. Holy. Shit.

Did you know that reality equals royalty? Or that ‘evolutionize’ is a word?

I did not. But I know it now after listening to another round of Carlson. Yes, he’s now just a one-named man, completely forgoing any first name. So I’m assuming he’ll show up this year in a purple jumpsuit with sparkly pendants and such emblazoned in a big C on his chest.

God. Help. Us.

A couple other observations from the fourth installment of The Carlson:

• This series is not for kids. No really, while you might think The Carlson would be tame enough that maybe a teenage son or nephew could listen, it’s not for anyone young or squeamish.
• It seems that you can play the Land of the Lost theme and instantly anyone in our age group will know that means you’re transporting through a time warp back to a previous existence.
• I totally have to piss every time he plays that click effect intro to From the men’s room
• The Carlson obviously doesn’t have a kid. Yeah, I know I’m not one to talk on this, but, in four short episodes, he took us from “infancy” to “teenage years.” There was no terrible 2s or fearsome 4s. It was right outta the big V and straight into Driver’s Ed. Eh, then again, I guess that’s about right.

This podcast will also give you insight into Cliffy’s aversion for kids books and confirm that The Carlson will not give up his quest for everyone to drink butt rum.

Farmboy is introduced as well, and there’s other tidbits you’ll enjoy like hetero-life mates, Big Sexy’s adventure with the Golden Tee and The Adventures of Buttwoman and Wonder Wench.

I personally enjoyed hearing about this softball game of Tony’s that we apparently went to before the Symposium started this year. I find it comical that The Carlson would actually think we could talk about what was said and why we fought seeing as I was thinking to myself, “I wonder why I came down late because I didn’t go to this softball game he’s talking about” until minutes later when I heard that I was actually there and it’s the reason he brought it up.

Hmm, who knew?

Lastly, I’ll leave you with another reason the world will be coming to an end soon: The Carlson’s vocabulary has expanded so far that, seemingly off the cuff, The Carlson used the word ‘liaison’ in the proper context and with the correct pronunciation.

Amazingly, even with all this detail on what The Carlson has to say, I haven’t given away everything. So you’ll just have to listen for yourself to CCMPodcast Year 4 — 1998.

Year 2, or better known to all of us as ‘Aaron should be ashamed’

Yukon Pete, the Neckshot and the introduction of Bitch.

These topics are sacred ground for the Symposium and the full content of these events will never be revealed. But, like all state secrets, they’ll eventually end up on Wikileaks, so why not just get some of it out on our terms?

Well, I’m sure that’s Carlson’s reasoning, being the impressive PR genius that he is.

The bigger thing is this: Has he been keeping a journal this whole time? Where’s he coming up with all these things to talk about?

Like the King of the Schmack? I’d forgotten about that 12 years ago, but he pops it out like he just watched the video of the weekend last night. [Editor’s Note: If there is actual video of this event, I will offer you $1,000,000,000, 067 for it. If you won’t sell, I will hunt you down. It will be mine–and then burned.]

Anyway, he’s obviously been taking notes without telling anyone. Well, all except the ‘The Bluff’ which, obviously, there’s no way Carlson could ever forget it. Well played, sir, well played.

So, anyway, here you go. Year 2 of the Symposium, complete with new segments and sound effects. No seriously, Carlson is so technologically advanced he put in sound effects.

I’ll be honest here, I’m impressed. And scared. Very scared.

Listen here

the Carlson Project

I’m going to be honest here: I’m probably not the best person to call someone out about a drinking problem. Let’s rephrase that: I’m not the best best person to call someone out about a drinking problem.

But still, I think Carlson may have some self-control issues that need to be addressed.

He obviously drinks heavily, and I’m assuming it’s not just Crystal Lite and a splash of tonic. I’m thinking he’s drinking crude oil mixed with raw barley with buckshot and grenade fragments just sprinkled on top. All set aflame and followed with an 8 ounce shot of funny car fuel.

Let’s see, why would I expect this?

In the past five years, he’s gotten a girlfriend, lost a bunch of weight, learned math, started winning at cards and trained himself without outside assistance to fluently speak and write Russian. He reads some Sanscrit too.

Okay, I made one of those up.

But what I can’t make up — and the likely outtake that his heavy drinking has stemmed — is that he’s embracing technology. And that’s scary.

How frightening is it? Well, you’ll have to listen for yourself. Because out of the blue, just randomly on Friday night, I get an email from him saying that he made his own podcast and asked if it can be put on the CCMP site.

Well, first off, yes. Anything you guys want to send can be put here. Hell, if anyone had time and wanted to try to post here more regularly than me (meaning, any kind of regularly), I’d be glad to teach you how to use the site and post stuff.

So, now here it is. I really don’t know what it says because I’m not going to listen to it until after it’s posted. Seems more appropriate that way.

And without further adieu, here you go. The first — and hopefully not last? — Carlson Project: CCMPodcast. (Sorry Carlson, I couldn’t just put the audio file on here for some reason, so I had to improvise with a picture and make it into a video file. I think you’ll approve).

Stadium swinging

Bad baseball is one thing, but this recovered video takes it to a whole new level.

The setup: Deadspin.com found old video footage from a Red Sox game in Fenway during the mid-1990s when they sucked. The only difference from a normal game was the amount of sucking going on in the stands.

Read and watch the full thing here (video is four minutes, but once you start, you won’t be able to stop. Strange.)

The concentration of the video man here is impressive. After the initial back-to-the-field shot, he goes in for the best action in the stadium and doesn’t let up until the ‘play’ is finished. This is Sports Emmy award-winning stuff, or at the very least, I hope it was awarded for live action threesome at the AVN Awards.

Perhaps Carlson** could use his AVN subscription to look through the archives and find out. What? You don’t believe Carlson**  has a subscription? Bullshit. He has a subscription to every major porn site there is, and is even a VIP premium sugar-daddy cardholder for a couple of the biggees.

** Note: This reference can be replaced with Dwin, Boo, Philly, Cliffy, well, pretty damn well any one of you fucks who reads this.

How about some new games?

There is nothing better than the CCMP.

After 16 years, heading into this 17th Symposium on Male Bonding, it’s become a ritual, a way of life. Typical, everyday men turn obsessive with the countdown to the start of the best weekend of the year.

Oh wait. That’s an oxymoron because we’re always counting down stuff and always obsessive. We’re men.

Fantasy football? Check. The next episode of some HBO show with that chick “with the really nice titties” will hopefully get naked? Check. Beer cheese soup. Check.

Anyway, it’s just what we do.

End of June, we converge on Alphahull, Ill. And for those who say, “I can’t find that on a map, I don’t believe it exists, this utopian place, this nirvana of a blow-by town that serves as home base for guys to enjoy guy life”? Well, sir, I say you’re a pussy.

And for those pussies who don’t believe in what we stand for, they can’t enjoy other activities that we should all look into doing at some point. So, here are some guy things to think about for the future:

5. Rock out with your cock out like Slash, ie, Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp

4. Cubs Fantasy Camp

3. Poker Camp, aka where Aaron should spend his money instead of giving it away in tournament 34

2. Nerd Herd-led Roman Gladiator Training (literally in Rome)

And drumroll please…

1. Do something different… Drive a Tank

Hell, I bet No. 1 we could actually do on our own in some field near the golf course… or even on the golf course. The fourth and fifth holes sound good. Let’s put that in the budget for 2023.

That poor 9 percent

Not much to write here. This is more a “lookey there” post.

Check out this pictorial of Alice Goodwin. Good god Goodwin.

Here’s the thing:

Who the fuck is in the 9 percent who gave the thumbs down? Unless you’re a blind retarded mute goat whore, there’s less than no chance that you wouldn’t at least be tempted by the curves and tan and curves and …. mmmmmmmm.

Anyway, give that link a look. It’s worth the time.

This is what it’s all about

Unlike my personal blog, which is awesome and cool and awesome (read it, bitches: six7offsuit.wordpress.com), this CCMP blog is more about short, quick posts, things that are easy to digest. You know, it’s a lot like you want your brats: meaty, maybe with a little cheese and beer.

So, we’ll get right to it:

1. The guy who wrote this blog should be a member of the CCMP.
2. This site is pretty sweet and you should read it.
3. The May centerfold in Playboy has the best rack I’ve seen in that magazine in a long, long time. Well worth your time checking it out. And there’s a great article on beef, how to cut it, cook it, buy it and side dishes. Read that too… after finding the centerfold.
4. Don’t forget to say happy birthday to the stars this week, especially on April 25: San Antonio Spurs star Tim Duncan (1976), “My Name Is Earl” actor Jason Lee (1970), “Bridget Jones” actress Renee Zellweger (1969), “The Simpsons” voice talent Hank Azaria (1964), “Rocky” actress Talia Shire (1946), “The Godfather” actor Al Pacino (1940).
5. There are less than 60 days remaining until the start of Symposium 2011… unless you are Aaron and then it’s a day later.